I remember when I first saw the movie 13 going on 30, when Jennifer Gardner's character couldn't wait to turn 30, where her life would obviously be fabulous, and at a very low point of her 13th birthday she ran into her closet and wished herself to be thirty, chanting the words "30, flirty, and fun! 30, flirty, and fun."
Why did she pick 30? I wondered. Was it just because it rhymed with the word 'flirty'?
That movie came out 6 years ago. I was 28, and I wasn't excited to be in my thirties.
Now I'm four years into them, and during a conversation with some friends over brunch the other morning, we all agreed that we were so happy when our thirties came around, so happy our roaring twenties were over.
There's been a shift in my home, I don't know if the kids realize it's happened. I don't know if my husband can put his thumb on it. I don't know if I can chalk it up to being in my thirties or being done with my child birthing stage.
Maybe it's everything all at once.
It's weird because we are still not financially stable, my husband is still in the process of changing career's. There are many unknowns.
Also where I thought at this time in my life I would have 2 full time public school students which meant more ME time, instead I find myself homeschooling my oldest son. After a rough couple of months (and that's putting it lightly) we've hit our stride and I can honestly say that it is one of the most rewarding decisions I've ever made.
There is a certain peace I feel inside, a comfortableness in my skin, a calmness about things that would have once driven me crazy.
I would chalk it up to being a late bloomer but as I said before, most women have concurred with me on the subject.
There's just something strange and wonderful about this time in my life, and I'm trying to enjoy every day of it.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Where've I been...
I don't ever post. It's hard to because when I do have time on the computer I want to read about others and escape my life for a few minutes, not reflect on it.
There have been many many changes around here.
I'm homeschooling my oldest. He's in fourth grade. It hasn't been an easy transition.
At this point in my life I expected to have 2 children in full time school and one in preschool 3 days a week for 2.5 hours.
You know what they say about best laid plans.
My oldest struggled in school, not necessarily academically but certainly with the mundane and pointless work he was given to do.
He struggled socially. He's a bit eccentric and uses big words and concepts no normal third graders understand. He fit in better with kids in the "gifted" ( I struggle with that label) program but I hesitate to put him in something that may lead to more homework.
I know I made the right choice. The more I read about what I can do and the advantages of homeschooling the more excited I get. Of course now it's implementing those changes and hoping for a co-operative son. Right now he's transitioning as well. It's hard for him to get used to the fact that just because he's home, it doesn't mean he can lay around and play video games all day. And I don't let him get away with something he might be able to in a classroom with 22 other children. It's baby steps really. I get amazingly stressed out when I talk to parents of public schoolers. They want to know how we're doing and I feel like I have to assure them that my son is learning. I feel like I have to account for our time.
I talk to parents of homeschoolers and they're so relaxed. They assure me that this will take time. That we are getting used to it. It could take a year. I love homeschooling moms.
Right now it's baby steps. He goes to an elective program for a day and a half where he interacts with other homeschool kids during his Drama, P.E., Math Games, Art, and Themes classes. Then the rest of the week we do a science experiment and Math every day. That's it for now. He reads every night and I have trouble keeping up with his need for new books.
The other challenge I face is that he is around his 5 year old brother more often and this leads to more arguments.
Also, I started this school year with my husband being gone every weekend from Friday early afternoon to Sunday night. He has Fire Academy training for 10 weeks. We're excited, happy, anxious for him to be done. I started out really strong. Hardly missing him and then he was back. That was the end of summer when the kids and I could be outside until dinner. Now sometimes we're stuck in the house all day and they love playing imaginary games that involve screaming and by the end of the weekend I feel like I'm dying inside. It's been 6 weeks. He's not home yet...I'm waiting. I need him. It's been hard.
I really thought it would be a piece of cake and I was strong enough but I feel like I'm falling apart, losing my creativity and my energy.
It's been hard for him living in two worlds. He comes home and has to study for the written exams he'll be taking the following weekend. He tries to balance quality time with the four children, work to pay our bills, and have time to study. He's amazing but he had a moment recently where he broke down. Two days later he told me he's really closing his wood shop. That is a huge deal. I was strong for him in that moment. But since then I've slowly been falling to pieces inside.
I am trying to keep the future in sight. He will get a job soon as a Fire fighter. I have faith in him. I'm trying to have faith in God, that these hits won't keep happening to our family.
I'm trying to play Polyanna and focus on the good. He's excelling in his Academy, the kids are healthy, I'm healthy. I have wonderful friends and family close by. We LOVE EACH OTHER.
But the fear and doubt creep in sometimes.
I'm just trying to keep the house together and be strong and positive for the kids.
Even my running has lost its savor lately.
My friends are planning a midnight run in Seattle this weekend and I'm hoping that will edify me.
For now I guess I'll continue to take it a day at a time.
Be well.
There have been many many changes around here.
I'm homeschooling my oldest. He's in fourth grade. It hasn't been an easy transition.
At this point in my life I expected to have 2 children in full time school and one in preschool 3 days a week for 2.5 hours.
You know what they say about best laid plans.
My oldest struggled in school, not necessarily academically but certainly with the mundane and pointless work he was given to do.
He struggled socially. He's a bit eccentric and uses big words and concepts no normal third graders understand. He fit in better with kids in the "gifted" ( I struggle with that label) program but I hesitate to put him in something that may lead to more homework.
I know I made the right choice. The more I read about what I can do and the advantages of homeschooling the more excited I get. Of course now it's implementing those changes and hoping for a co-operative son. Right now he's transitioning as well. It's hard for him to get used to the fact that just because he's home, it doesn't mean he can lay around and play video games all day. And I don't let him get away with something he might be able to in a classroom with 22 other children. It's baby steps really. I get amazingly stressed out when I talk to parents of public schoolers. They want to know how we're doing and I feel like I have to assure them that my son is learning. I feel like I have to account for our time.
I talk to parents of homeschoolers and they're so relaxed. They assure me that this will take time. That we are getting used to it. It could take a year. I love homeschooling moms.
Right now it's baby steps. He goes to an elective program for a day and a half where he interacts with other homeschool kids during his Drama, P.E., Math Games, Art, and Themes classes. Then the rest of the week we do a science experiment and Math every day. That's it for now. He reads every night and I have trouble keeping up with his need for new books.
The other challenge I face is that he is around his 5 year old brother more often and this leads to more arguments.
Also, I started this school year with my husband being gone every weekend from Friday early afternoon to Sunday night. He has Fire Academy training for 10 weeks. We're excited, happy, anxious for him to be done. I started out really strong. Hardly missing him and then he was back. That was the end of summer when the kids and I could be outside until dinner. Now sometimes we're stuck in the house all day and they love playing imaginary games that involve screaming and by the end of the weekend I feel like I'm dying inside. It's been 6 weeks. He's not home yet...I'm waiting. I need him. It's been hard.
I really thought it would be a piece of cake and I was strong enough but I feel like I'm falling apart, losing my creativity and my energy.
It's been hard for him living in two worlds. He comes home and has to study for the written exams he'll be taking the following weekend. He tries to balance quality time with the four children, work to pay our bills, and have time to study. He's amazing but he had a moment recently where he broke down. Two days later he told me he's really closing his wood shop. That is a huge deal. I was strong for him in that moment. But since then I've slowly been falling to pieces inside.
I am trying to keep the future in sight. He will get a job soon as a Fire fighter. I have faith in him. I'm trying to have faith in God, that these hits won't keep happening to our family.
I'm trying to play Polyanna and focus on the good. He's excelling in his Academy, the kids are healthy, I'm healthy. I have wonderful friends and family close by. We LOVE EACH OTHER.
But the fear and doubt creep in sometimes.
I'm just trying to keep the house together and be strong and positive for the kids.
Even my running has lost its savor lately.
My friends are planning a midnight run in Seattle this weekend and I'm hoping that will edify me.
For now I guess I'll continue to take it a day at a time.
Be well.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Nowhere To Go But Up
That really should be my life's mantra.
I finished my race and I'm proud of the way I ran, even though I didn't run as fast as I hoped for.
It was an extremely tough route, I'm not making excuses. But I think for my first race it was very ambitious.
I have to admit I was very disappointed with my placing in the race and my mile time. But honestly it only makes me want to try harder and do better. I have printed out my results and will keep them in a safe place until next year, when I put myself through that same torture again. Because I'm not satisfied with leaving it the way it is...and now I know what to expect.
There is a girl I know who ran it. She placed fifth over all females, first in her age group. I'm going to keep my eye on her. She is tall and lanky like me. She probably doesn't shovel as much junk food in her mouth as I do. I'm going to "man up" and start running with her. I was scared to at first and now I'm just in awe. I want to know what her secret is.
So I'm going for a run now, it's hills again today and I'm going to push myself. I'm going to pretend she's running with me.
I did love the race, I loved the finish line. I think I will do a few more 10k's and 5k's before the summer is over because I had a lot of fun!
I finished my race and I'm proud of the way I ran, even though I didn't run as fast as I hoped for.
It was an extremely tough route, I'm not making excuses. But I think for my first race it was very ambitious.
I have to admit I was very disappointed with my placing in the race and my mile time. But honestly it only makes me want to try harder and do better. I have printed out my results and will keep them in a safe place until next year, when I put myself through that same torture again. Because I'm not satisfied with leaving it the way it is...and now I know what to expect.
There is a girl I know who ran it. She placed fifth over all females, first in her age group. I'm going to keep my eye on her. She is tall and lanky like me. She probably doesn't shovel as much junk food in her mouth as I do. I'm going to "man up" and start running with her. I was scared to at first and now I'm just in awe. I want to know what her secret is.
So I'm going for a run now, it's hills again today and I'm going to push myself. I'm going to pretend she's running with me.
I did love the race, I loved the finish line. I think I will do a few more 10k's and 5k's before the summer is over because I had a lot of fun!
Friday, June 4, 2010
It's My Time
For five years now I have lived in this home,
and for five years I have woken up on the first Saturday of June and watched as a group of crazy people run passed my house.
The town that I live in is built into some rather large hills. The people of the town thought it would be fun to organize a run that went 3 miles up, then 3 miles down.
For five years I have cheered with my children for the people that are braving this run, and each year I have thought...maybe next year? Maybe next year I'll be strong enough to do that.
I have questioned my strength right up until the last minute, but last Tuesday I paid the $25 fee and now I WILL run this race.
After five years of wondering if I could ever do something like it I'm going to take the plunge.
It's my time now.
and for five years I have woken up on the first Saturday of June and watched as a group of crazy people run passed my house.
The town that I live in is built into some rather large hills. The people of the town thought it would be fun to organize a run that went 3 miles up, then 3 miles down.
For five years I have cheered with my children for the people that are braving this run, and each year I have thought...maybe next year? Maybe next year I'll be strong enough to do that.
I have questioned my strength right up until the last minute, but last Tuesday I paid the $25 fee and now I WILL run this race.
After five years of wondering if I could ever do something like it I'm going to take the plunge.
It's my time now.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
What I Am
Last night, after the children were nestled all snug in their beds Husband I settle down into our cramped office space to catch up on some Hulu. If you don't Hulu I highly recommend it.
He posed a question out of the blue that I wasn't ready for...
"Erin, are you happy?"
Even now, writing that question out, staring at it, I don't know how to answer.
I don't know whether to break down and list my fears and frustrations or my blessings. It's like they both come at me at once. Some weeks it's easier to forget the frustrations. But more often than not they clutter my mind leaving little room to remember what is the core of me.
That I truly am happy. Why wouldn't I be?
I have a man that is working his a** off and doing everything humanly possible to help this family thrive.
But at the same time that means he needs to be gone, leaving me alone to worry and try to pull it together for our kids.
I am happy, but I am worried. I dream of a future where all these "if only's" stacked up in my mind can slowly be filed away in the drawer of accomplishments. I am also in love and absolutely in awe of these beautiful children that we are blessed with. I know there are many who yearn for the love that we have in our home and I try to always put that at the forefront of my mind.
I work with what we have, he works for what will be.
And I am happy.
He posed a question out of the blue that I wasn't ready for...
"Erin, are you happy?"
Even now, writing that question out, staring at it, I don't know how to answer.
I don't know whether to break down and list my fears and frustrations or my blessings. It's like they both come at me at once. Some weeks it's easier to forget the frustrations. But more often than not they clutter my mind leaving little room to remember what is the core of me.
That I truly am happy. Why wouldn't I be?
I have a man that is working his a** off and doing everything humanly possible to help this family thrive.
But at the same time that means he needs to be gone, leaving me alone to worry and try to pull it together for our kids.
I am happy, but I am worried. I dream of a future where all these "if only's" stacked up in my mind can slowly be filed away in the drawer of accomplishments. I am also in love and absolutely in awe of these beautiful children that we are blessed with. I know there are many who yearn for the love that we have in our home and I try to always put that at the forefront of my mind.
I work with what we have, he works for what will be.
And I am happy.
Friday, May 14, 2010
AM Running
I had my first early morning run yesterday.
I've been putting it off, sighting excuses that my body doesn't work that early.
I know most races start by at least 8am, and my race is 24 hours long, so I will be running at many different times. I'm the #10 position on my team, that means I will be running in the early evening to begin with (this is my zen time to run, I'm really looking forward to it.) Then in the wee hours of the night (again, I'm a night person, this will be a lot of fun for me.) But when it comes to the morning after, the run when we've been up all night in a van...I'm not sure how I will do. Lucky for me that's the easiest run of my three.
I would like to train my body to work at an earlier time of day.
Think how much house work I could get in whilst the little ones slept? I'm just not that disciplined.
But yesterday my run went better than expected. This I blame on my pride, and my wonderful friend Kati, who invited me to come along.
Kati has been running longer, she's done a marathon, she's a little faster but not intimidatingly so.
She also has mileage on me.
I ate an orange before I ran. Not a good idea. On the last mile home I was feeling that orange. My body was complaining. It was saying "why the heck are we running so dang early in the morning?!" I started to burp up orange. I had to concentrate on each landmark saying in my head that I would tell Kati I needed to walk after I reached that bridge, or that sign. I kept tricking my mind. Kati pulled ahead a few strides and I was losing confidence in myself.
And then I finally caught sight of the trail head. The finish line. I was able to give it everything I had and sprint to the trail head leaving Kati behind, though not by much. It felt really good.
We only ran about 4 miles, but I never stopped, and my body still had energy to push through in the end so I know I'm getting stronger. I love seeing little improvements in my body, they're what keep me going.
I really want to run the town 10k. It's always on my mind right now. But I'm scared. I haven't signed up yet. I'm afraid of coming it dead last. My friend Fawn actually did come in last in that race once. I know my kids will be watching since it runs past my house.
I don't want to be dead last. I'll settle for almost last.
I need to sign up for this race so I don't wuss out but we don't have the extra funds just yet.
I've been putting it off, sighting excuses that my body doesn't work that early.
I know most races start by at least 8am, and my race is 24 hours long, so I will be running at many different times. I'm the #10 position on my team, that means I will be running in the early evening to begin with (this is my zen time to run, I'm really looking forward to it.) Then in the wee hours of the night (again, I'm a night person, this will be a lot of fun for me.) But when it comes to the morning after, the run when we've been up all night in a van...I'm not sure how I will do. Lucky for me that's the easiest run of my three.
I would like to train my body to work at an earlier time of day.
Think how much house work I could get in whilst the little ones slept? I'm just not that disciplined.
But yesterday my run went better than expected. This I blame on my pride, and my wonderful friend Kati, who invited me to come along.
Kati has been running longer, she's done a marathon, she's a little faster but not intimidatingly so.
She also has mileage on me.
I ate an orange before I ran. Not a good idea. On the last mile home I was feeling that orange. My body was complaining. It was saying "why the heck are we running so dang early in the morning?!" I started to burp up orange. I had to concentrate on each landmark saying in my head that I would tell Kati I needed to walk after I reached that bridge, or that sign. I kept tricking my mind. Kati pulled ahead a few strides and I was losing confidence in myself.
And then I finally caught sight of the trail head. The finish line. I was able to give it everything I had and sprint to the trail head leaving Kati behind, though not by much. It felt really good.
We only ran about 4 miles, but I never stopped, and my body still had energy to push through in the end so I know I'm getting stronger. I love seeing little improvements in my body, they're what keep me going.
I really want to run the town 10k. It's always on my mind right now. But I'm scared. I haven't signed up yet. I'm afraid of coming it dead last. My friend Fawn actually did come in last in that race once. I know my kids will be watching since it runs past my house.
I don't want to be dead last. I'll settle for almost last.
I need to sign up for this race so I don't wuss out but we don't have the extra funds just yet.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The Perfect Storm
It's been over a month since my last confession...and I have SO MUCH to confess...it's funny how I used to run to the computer and vent every time something monumental would happen. I loved flushing out my woes, to what felt like a sea of strangers. They didn't know me, they couldn't see me. I couldn't see them, or any pity on their faces. It felt safe.
But lately I haven't felt like complaining and am wary of what I post because I never really know who's reading. It could be Gina* who lives down the street and whom I see every Sunday. We might not really be friends, she might just be a nosy blog stalker who likes to read her neighbors business and form her own assumptions.
But then again, my readers could be a very small number of very beloved friends...you know who you are...in places like San Diego and Fountain Valley and even here in my little Eastside town.
You know me. You know I'm dramatic. I feel. I love.
We recently went on a vacation to the Southland. My home away from home. I say vacation loosely because my poor husband had to work the whole time and we had no extra money for any commercial fun like Disneyland or Sea World.
My kids and I spent the time annoying my husbands parents. We swam in their pool when it was warm enough, but mostly we just tried to amuse ourselves and stay out of Grandpa's way.
About three days into the trip my husband and I received some hard business news which made us stress out for the rest of the trip.
The Wednesday after we got home something happened in my son's classroom that made me decide to pull him out for the rest of the school year. Thursday night my charming four year old broke his arm at the park we were at. His Dad is an EMT and got there shortly after the ambulance to ride with him to the hospital.
Here we are three weeks later and he still doesn't have a hard cast. His bones aren't healing like they should and we fear he may need an operation.
We are adjusting to home school life with my eldest. It's an adjustment...
And I have my first running injury which I self-diagnosed as a shoe problem and finally went and got fitted for some proper ones. The foot/ankle is healing slowly and I'm still trying to train in the midst of it.
I feel that I'm such a novice runner that I don't have time to lose. I even sucked up my pride and went running with some very experienced ladies. They left me in their dust, but I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed hearing them talk even though I couldn't hold a conversation.
Joanne has four children, her oldest is 10 or 11, her youngest is 22 months. She's been running for 6 years. She says she's finally beginning to like running.
Jody is an athlete. She has a 4 month old and 2 older children. She's extremely competitive, plays soccer, and is a certified personal trainer.
My friend Kati runs because she feels she has to. She loves junk food and has 3 boys, the youngest is just 1 year old.
I must admit I'm a romantic about many things and running is one of them. To imagine being able to run long enough and hard enough that I feel like I'm flying, that's what I'm working towards. I loved running when I was young, but when I became heavily involved in the dance world I was to afraid to ruin my knees or ankles.
I'm finally running 3 miles consistently...it feels good. Very good. And when no one else is on the trail with me I raise my arms and fly. Funny to you maybe. I sing out loud. I imagine that finish line and how good it feels to cross it. I picture myself running our town 10k, it's well known for it's crazy hills. The fear I have for those hills makes me run a little harder.
I run for many reasons, but none of them are because I HAVE TO. I just want to. It's fun. It makes me smile. And maybe that's what sets me a little apart from these ladies who right now can run circles around me.
What I'm struggling with is getting my body moving in the wee hours of the morning. I'm more of an evening mover but with the inconsistency of my husbands working hours I need to get it done before he leaves. This means in the hour of 6am.
I feel nauseous at 6am. It's too early for shaking the body. We'll see. I'm planning on getting up tomorrow but so far my body has rebelled.
But lately I haven't felt like complaining and am wary of what I post because I never really know who's reading. It could be Gina* who lives down the street and whom I see every Sunday. We might not really be friends, she might just be a nosy blog stalker who likes to read her neighbors business and form her own assumptions.
But then again, my readers could be a very small number of very beloved friends...you know who you are...in places like San Diego and Fountain Valley and even here in my little Eastside town.
You know me. You know I'm dramatic. I feel. I love.
We recently went on a vacation to the Southland. My home away from home. I say vacation loosely because my poor husband had to work the whole time and we had no extra money for any commercial fun like Disneyland or Sea World.
My kids and I spent the time annoying my husbands parents. We swam in their pool when it was warm enough, but mostly we just tried to amuse ourselves and stay out of Grandpa's way.
About three days into the trip my husband and I received some hard business news which made us stress out for the rest of the trip.
The Wednesday after we got home something happened in my son's classroom that made me decide to pull him out for the rest of the school year. Thursday night my charming four year old broke his arm at the park we were at. His Dad is an EMT and got there shortly after the ambulance to ride with him to the hospital.
Here we are three weeks later and he still doesn't have a hard cast. His bones aren't healing like they should and we fear he may need an operation.
We are adjusting to home school life with my eldest. It's an adjustment...
And I have my first running injury which I self-diagnosed as a shoe problem and finally went and got fitted for some proper ones. The foot/ankle is healing slowly and I'm still trying to train in the midst of it.
I feel that I'm such a novice runner that I don't have time to lose. I even sucked up my pride and went running with some very experienced ladies. They left me in their dust, but I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed hearing them talk even though I couldn't hold a conversation.
Joanne has four children, her oldest is 10 or 11, her youngest is 22 months. She's been running for 6 years. She says she's finally beginning to like running.
Jody is an athlete. She has a 4 month old and 2 older children. She's extremely competitive, plays soccer, and is a certified personal trainer.
My friend Kati runs because she feels she has to. She loves junk food and has 3 boys, the youngest is just 1 year old.
I must admit I'm a romantic about many things and running is one of them. To imagine being able to run long enough and hard enough that I feel like I'm flying, that's what I'm working towards. I loved running when I was young, but when I became heavily involved in the dance world I was to afraid to ruin my knees or ankles.
I'm finally running 3 miles consistently...it feels good. Very good. And when no one else is on the trail with me I raise my arms and fly. Funny to you maybe. I sing out loud. I imagine that finish line and how good it feels to cross it. I picture myself running our town 10k, it's well known for it's crazy hills. The fear I have for those hills makes me run a little harder.
I run for many reasons, but none of them are because I HAVE TO. I just want to. It's fun. It makes me smile. And maybe that's what sets me a little apart from these ladies who right now can run circles around me.
What I'm struggling with is getting my body moving in the wee hours of the morning. I'm more of an evening mover but with the inconsistency of my husbands working hours I need to get it done before he leaves. This means in the hour of 6am.
I feel nauseous at 6am. It's too early for shaking the body. We'll see. I'm planning on getting up tomorrow but so far my body has rebelled.
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