Where've I been...

I don't ever post. It's hard to because when I do have time on the computer I want to read about others and escape my life for a few minutes, not reflect on it.
There have been many many changes around here.
I'm homeschooling my oldest. He's in fourth grade. It hasn't been an easy transition.
At this point in my life I expected to have 2 children in full time school and one in preschool 3 days a week for 2.5 hours.
You know what they say about best laid plans.
My oldest struggled in school, not necessarily academically but certainly with the mundane and pointless work he was given to do.
He struggled socially. He's a bit eccentric and uses big words and concepts no normal third graders understand. He fit in better with kids in the "gifted" ( I struggle with that label) program but I hesitate to put him in something that may lead to more homework.
I know I made the right choice. The more I read about what I can do and the advantages of homeschooling the more excited I get. Of course now it's implementing those changes and hoping for a co-operative son. Right now he's transitioning as well. It's hard for him to get used to the fact that just because he's home, it doesn't mean he can lay around and play video games all day. And I don't let him get away with something he might be able to in a classroom with 22 other children. It's baby steps really. I get amazingly stressed out when I talk to parents of public schoolers. They want to know how we're doing and I feel like I have to assure them that my son is learning. I feel like I have to account for our time.
I talk to parents of homeschoolers and they're so relaxed. They assure me that this will take time. That we are getting used to it. It could take a year. I love homeschooling moms.
Right now it's baby steps. He goes to an elective program for a day and a half where he interacts with other homeschool kids during his Drama, P.E., Math Games, Art, and Themes classes. Then the rest of the week we do a science experiment and Math every day. That's it for now. He reads every night and I have trouble keeping up with his need for new books.
The other challenge I face is that he is around his 5 year old brother more often and this leads to more arguments.
Also, I started this school year with my husband being gone every weekend from Friday early afternoon to Sunday night. He has Fire Academy training for 10 weeks. We're excited, happy, anxious for him to be done. I started out really strong. Hardly missing him and then he was back. That was the end of summer when the kids and I could be outside until dinner. Now sometimes we're stuck in the house all day and they love playing imaginary games that involve screaming and by the end of the weekend I feel like I'm dying inside. It's been 6 weeks. He's not home yet...I'm waiting. I need him. It's been hard.
I really thought it would be a piece of cake and I was strong enough but I feel like I'm falling apart, losing my creativity and my energy.
It's been hard for him living in two worlds. He comes home and has to study for the written exams he'll be taking the following weekend. He tries to balance quality time with the four children, work to pay our bills, and have time to study. He's amazing but he had a moment recently where he broke down. Two days later he told me he's really closing his wood shop. That is a huge deal. I was strong for him in that moment. But since then I've slowly been falling to pieces inside.
I am trying to keep the future in sight. He will get a job soon as a Fire fighter. I have faith in him. I'm trying to have faith in God, that these hits won't keep happening to our family.
I'm trying to play Polyanna and focus on the good. He's excelling in his Academy, the kids are healthy, I'm healthy. I have wonderful friends and family close by. We LOVE EACH OTHER.
But the fear and doubt creep in sometimes.
I'm just trying to keep the house together and be strong and positive for the kids.
Even my running has lost its savor lately.
My friends are planning a midnight run in Seattle this weekend and I'm hoping that will edify me.
For now I guess I'll continue to take it a day at a time.
Be well.