thirties, flirty, and fun

I remember when I first saw the movie 13 going on 30, when Jennifer Gardner's character couldn't wait to turn 30, where her life would obviously be fabulous, and at a very low point of her 13th birthday she ran into her closet and wished herself to be thirty, chanting the words "30, flirty, and fun! 30, flirty, and fun."
Why did she pick 30? I wondered. Was it just because it rhymed with the word 'flirty'?
That movie came out 6 years ago. I was 28, and I wasn't excited to be in my thirties.
Now I'm four years into them, and during a conversation with some friends over brunch the other morning, we all agreed that we were so happy when our thirties came around, so happy our roaring twenties were over.
There's been a shift in my home, I don't know if the kids realize it's happened. I don't know if my husband can put his thumb on it. I don't know if I can chalk it up to being in my thirties or being done with my child birthing stage.
Maybe it's everything all at once.
It's weird because we are still not financially stable, my husband is still in the process of changing career's. There are many unknowns.
Also where I thought at this time in my life I would have 2 full time public school students which meant more ME time, instead I find myself homeschooling my oldest son. After a rough couple of months (and that's putting it lightly) we've hit our stride and I can honestly say that it is one of the most rewarding decisions I've ever made.
There is a certain peace I feel inside, a comfortableness in my skin, a calmness about things that would have once driven me crazy.
I would chalk it up to being a late bloomer but as I said before, most women have concurred with me on the subject.
There's just something strange and wonderful about this time in my life, and I'm trying to enjoy every day of it.

What I Am

Last night, after the children were nestled all snug in their beds Husband I settle down into our cramped office space to catch up on some Hulu. If you don't Hulu I highly recommend it.
He posed a question out of the blue that I wasn't ready for...
"Erin, are you happy?"
Even now, writing that question out, staring at it, I don't know how to answer.
I don't know whether to break down and list my fears and frustrations or my blessings. It's like they both come at me at once. Some weeks it's easier to forget the frustrations. But more often than not they clutter my mind leaving little room to remember what is the core of me.
That I truly am happy. Why wouldn't I be?
I have a man that is working his a** off and doing everything humanly possible to help this family thrive.
But at the same time that means he needs to be gone, leaving me alone to worry and try to pull it together for our kids.
I am happy, but I am worried. I dream of a future where all these "if only's" stacked up in my mind can slowly be filed away in the drawer of accomplishments. I am also in love and absolutely in awe of these beautiful children that we are blessed with. I know there are many who yearn for the love that we have in our home and I try to always put that at the forefront of my mind.
I work with what we have, he works for what will be.
And I am happy.