The Perfect Storm

It's been over a month since my last confession...and I have SO MUCH to confess...it's funny how I used to run to the computer and vent every time something monumental would happen. I loved flushing out my woes, to what felt like a sea of strangers. They didn't know me, they couldn't see me. I couldn't see them, or any pity on their faces. It felt safe.
But lately I haven't felt like complaining and am wary of what I post because I never really know who's reading. It could be Gina* who lives down the street and whom I see every Sunday. We might not really be friends, she might just be a nosy blog stalker who likes to read her neighbors business and form her own assumptions.
But then again, my readers could be a very small number of very beloved friends...you know who you are...in places like San Diego and Fountain Valley and even here in my little Eastside town.
You know me. You know I'm dramatic. I feel. I love.
We recently went on a vacation to the Southland. My home away from home. I say vacation loosely because my poor husband had to work the whole time and we had no extra money for any commercial fun like Disneyland or Sea World.
My kids and I spent the time annoying my husbands parents. We swam in their pool when it was warm enough, but mostly we just tried to amuse ourselves and stay out of Grandpa's way.
About three days into the trip my husband and I received some hard business news which made us stress out for the rest of the trip.
The Wednesday after we got home something happened in my son's classroom that made me decide to pull him out for the rest of the school year. Thursday night my charming four year old broke his arm at the park we were at. His Dad is an EMT and got there shortly after the ambulance to ride with him to the hospital.
Here we are three weeks later and he still doesn't have a hard cast. His bones aren't healing like they should and we fear he may need an operation.
We are adjusting to home school life with my eldest. It's an adjustment...
And I have my first running injury which I self-diagnosed as a shoe problem and finally went and got fitted for some proper ones. The foot/ankle is healing slowly and I'm still trying to train in the midst of it.
I feel that I'm such a novice runner that I don't have time to lose. I even sucked up my pride and went running with some very experienced ladies. They left me in their dust, but I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed hearing them talk even though I couldn't hold a conversation.
Joanne has four children, her oldest is 10 or 11, her youngest is 22 months. She's been running for 6 years. She says she's finally beginning to like running.
Jody is an athlete. She has a 4 month old and 2 older children. She's extremely competitive, plays soccer, and is a certified personal trainer.
My friend Kati runs because she feels she has to. She loves junk food and has 3 boys, the youngest is just 1 year old.
I must admit I'm a romantic about many things and running is one of them. To imagine being able to run long enough and hard enough that I feel like I'm flying, that's what I'm working towards. I loved running when I was young, but when I became heavily involved in the dance world I was to afraid to ruin my knees or ankles.
I'm finally running 3 miles consistently...it feels good. Very good. And when no one else is on the trail with me I raise my arms and fly. Funny to you maybe. I sing out loud. I imagine that finish line and how good it feels to cross it. I picture myself running our town 10k, it's well known for it's crazy hills. The fear I have for those hills makes me run a little harder.
I run for many reasons, but none of them are because I HAVE TO. I just want to. It's fun. It makes me smile. And maybe that's what sets me a little apart from these ladies who right now can run circles around me.
What I'm struggling with is getting my body moving in the wee hours of the morning. I'm more of an evening mover but with the inconsistency of my husbands working hours I need to get it done before he leaves. This means in the hour of 6am.
I feel nauseous at 6am. It's too early for shaking the body. We'll see. I'm planning on getting up tomorrow but so far my body has rebelled.

Slow and Steady

This is not a running blog but since I'm in training right now if you read my blog you will hear a lot about it.
I'm only in my second week of training. I'm an impatient person. It's been frustrating when I can't run as far as I want to.
Today I had a breakthrough. Today I finally felt stronger. I didn't feel winded. I completed my distance at a steady even pace and was not panting when I finished. It felt fantastic and made me all the more excited to run tomorrow to see if I could go even further.
My son rides his bike with me so I don't have to be alone on the trail. He keeps me humble. Today he asked me when I would start running. Because, he said, I was only jogging.
Baby steps, son. Baby steps.
My heart is getting stronger, my legs need to follow. For now I'm happy with the progress that I can see.

That's Right I said it.

Here's a story about a girl who was fairly puny growing up.
I look at my daughter as she struggles to stay afloat in a swimming pool, or wrestle effectively with her Dad. There is NO muscle in those arms and legs. For now she's oblivious.
Every time her mother sees those appendages flail she is reminded of her struggles with her own puny body.
She remembers trying out for volleyball and basketball and always chosen last. She hid her anger. She knew the other girls didn't think she could play. She was puny. But she had something to prove. She stuck in out the full year of volleyball but was never really accepted as part of the team.
She sat alone on the bus to the games and watched the other girls sing songs and joke around. They were never mean to her, it was just like she wasn't there.
So recently when joining a team for this run she was questioned about her ability to finish the race, her seriousness to train and RUN the whole thing. She was doubted.
Little did the team captain know what kind of fire she had ignited.
"Bitch, not only will I run this race, but when I'm done you will say WOW. I didn't know she was so good."
Yeah. That's right. And that's what I think every day when I'm running and I want to stop.
I've been confronted by doubters, and they shall breath in my sweat and dust as I pass by.

For Music Monday what I would love is more inspirational running songs for my playlist.
I'm not speaking of Eye of the Tiger, that does nothing for me.
Here is my current playlist that will need to get longer as my running time increases;

Keep the Car Running and No cars Go~ Arcade Fire
21 Century Digital Boy~ Bad Religion
Single Ladies~Beyonce
I Dies~ Bif Naked
Viva La Vida~Cold Play
Sound of Pulling Heaven Down~Blue October
Song 2~Blur
Mint Car and Just Like Heaven~ The Cure
Debaser~ The Pixies
Pretty Much the whole Bleed America Album from Jimmy Eat World
Crash the Party, Invincible, Lately It's So Quiet and Do what you want~OK GO
My life would Suck without you~ Kelly Clarkson
Don't Let me Down~No Doubt
Mo' Money Mo' Problem~ Yes, the Notorious B.I.G.
Do Your Feet Hurt~ MxPx
Use Somebody~Kings of Leon

Never say Never

It's so the drama here.

My little sis is going through a divorce. Ouch. I've been there and it sucks.
I haven't been attentive. I suck.

My sons teacher wants me to meet with her, The Principle, The School Psychiatrist, The School Nurse, to discuss him and his needs and health problems.

My son has special needs alright. He needs an enthusiastic teacher. He needs kids to stop bullying him and saying unkind things.

What he has is two parents who have his back. We're ready. My husband is SO ready. I have to say that when I first received the e-mail I had a stomach ache for two days. Here we go again. They're going to tell me that there is something wrong with my son. They're going to tell me that I should medicate him. They're going to tell me they don't know what to do with him.
As a mother it's such a helpless feeling.
But I'm kind of excited to see my husband in action. Another reason why I count my blessings for such a supportive mate. He has an agenda. He's ready to go to battle for our boy.
He's a good kid, our oldest boy. He's sensitive, and kind to his siblings. He's got an artistic spirit like his Grandpa Keith. I love him so much. I want to wrap his sturdy body back under my wing and keep him there.

So lately I've been thinking of alternatives. I've never wanted to homeschool. Never. I didn't want it to take away from MY time. But I want to now. I want my son to feel joy in learning. I want to endless stream of worksheets to end. I want him to be able to delve into a good book and read until he's had his fill. I want him to feel safe in his learning environment.

It's definitely an option I'm going to stay open to. And yet again I learn never to say never.

Just one of Dem Days

Crap. Whenever I'm having a day like this that song comes to mind, you know Monica, 90's, Hip Hop.
"It's been one of those days that a girl goes through when I'm angry inside, don't mean to take it out on you...Don't take it personal."
It's a great song. Today I'm singing it in my head, to make myself feel better for making someone I love feel less than loved.
Oops.
To that person I say I'm sorry. I should have just kept those ungratefully negative words in my mouth.
Some days my independent spirit gets the best of me.
I know we won't be here in this state of poordom forever. I know I have so much to be grateful for. So that makes me feel like a bigger loser for wallowing.
Monica said it best when she said
"It's just one of them days, when I wanna be all alone
It's just one of them days, when I gotta be all alone
It's just one of them days, don't take it personal
I just wanna be all alone, and you think I treat you wrong

I wanna take some time out to think things through
I know it always feels like I'm doing you wrong
But I'm so in love with you
So understand that I'm only in love
You're the only one I need
So have no thought that I want to leave
And baby trust me please"

Happy music Monday everybody.

Meat-less

Today has been one of those Northwest gems...the kind of day that we wait for, that we know is coming, and when the sun finally pops from behind the clouds to shine all day we relish in it.
We throw off our rain coats and fleece jackets and play in the beautiful Vitamin D rays.
But that is completely off subject. I can't help it. It's so much fun to hear the kids playing outside while I blog and whilst dinner cooks in the oven.
Which brings me to my point. When you have your first child you don many hats. One of them is the family nutritionist. It's a huge responsibility to feed your children. One that comes with much guilt when you feel like your failing.
My oldest has always been a sturdy child, but after moving to the Seattle area my pediatrician told me by his current BMI he was obese. What a blow that was. I've never had a weight problem and didn't know how to help him. We ate normal meals, he rarely had juice, or candy, I do bake cookies and brownies every once in awhile but nothing over the top. I think what he really needed was more exercise.
We have now become a much more active family, rain or shine.
But it also got me to thinking if I was really helping him enough as the resident dietitian.
One of my close friends put her family on a vegan diet. The benefits seemed clear to me, but at the same time I didn't think I could pull it off. I do frequent vegan blogs and try to go meat-less more often than I used to.
Tonight, for instance I am cooking this number and let me tell you it smells AMAZING.
My kids saw me roasting the eggplant in the oven and admonished me that I would have to be the first one to try it. They are always hesitant to try new things, but I just keep on trying. Because I don't want to eat chicken or ground beef every night for dinner. And I don't want to raise kids that are scared of anything green. I know adults that still won't eat their vegetables and I find it ridiculous.
It's definitely on the bucket list to give Vegan a chance. :)

Party Planner

She is so independent. Today I got a call from another mom in her kindergarten class.
She had passed out invites to a costume party and told her little friends that they could come any time, but that "it has to be sometime today."
"Oh, and my mom is making peanut butter cookies."