What I Am

Last night, after the children were nestled all snug in their beds Husband I settle down into our cramped office space to catch up on some Hulu. If you don't Hulu I highly recommend it.
He posed a question out of the blue that I wasn't ready for...
"Erin, are you happy?"
Even now, writing that question out, staring at it, I don't know how to answer.
I don't know whether to break down and list my fears and frustrations or my blessings. It's like they both come at me at once. Some weeks it's easier to forget the frustrations. But more often than not they clutter my mind leaving little room to remember what is the core of me.
That I truly am happy. Why wouldn't I be?
I have a man that is working his a** off and doing everything humanly possible to help this family thrive.
But at the same time that means he needs to be gone, leaving me alone to worry and try to pull it together for our kids.
I am happy, but I am worried. I dream of a future where all these "if only's" stacked up in my mind can slowly be filed away in the drawer of accomplishments. I am also in love and absolutely in awe of these beautiful children that we are blessed with. I know there are many who yearn for the love that we have in our home and I try to always put that at the forefront of my mind.
I work with what we have, he works for what will be.
And I am happy.

AM Running

I had my first early morning run yesterday.
I've been putting it off, sighting excuses that my body doesn't work that early.
I know most races start by at least 8am, and my race is 24 hours long, so I will be running at many different times. I'm the #10 position on my team, that means I will be running in the early evening to begin with (this is my zen time to run, I'm really looking forward to it.) Then in the wee hours of the night (again, I'm a night person, this will be a lot of fun for me.) But when it comes to the morning after, the run when we've been up all night in a van...I'm not sure how I will do. Lucky for me that's the easiest run of my three.
I would like to train my body to work at an earlier time of day.
Think how much house work I could get in whilst the little ones slept? I'm just not that disciplined.
But yesterday my run went better than expected. This I blame on my pride, and my wonderful friend Kati, who invited me to come along.
Kati has been running longer, she's done a marathon, she's a little faster but not intimidatingly so.
She also has mileage on me.
I ate an orange before I ran. Not a good idea. On the last mile home I was feeling that orange. My body was complaining. It was saying "why the heck are we running so dang early in the morning?!" I started to burp up orange. I had to concentrate on each landmark saying in my head that I would tell Kati I needed to walk after I reached that bridge, or that sign. I kept tricking my mind. Kati pulled ahead a few strides and I was losing confidence in myself.
And then I finally caught sight of the trail head. The finish line. I was able to give it everything I had and sprint to the trail head leaving Kati behind, though not by much. It felt really good.
We only ran about 4 miles, but I never stopped, and my body still had energy to push through in the end so I know I'm getting stronger. I love seeing little improvements in my body, they're what keep me going.
I really want to run the town 10k. It's always on my mind right now. But I'm scared. I haven't signed up yet. I'm afraid of coming it dead last. My friend Fawn actually did come in last in that race once. I know my kids will be watching since it runs past my house.
I don't want to be dead last. I'll settle for almost last.
I need to sign up for this race so I don't wuss out but we don't have the extra funds just yet.

The Perfect Storm

It's been over a month since my last confession...and I have SO MUCH to confess...it's funny how I used to run to the computer and vent every time something monumental would happen. I loved flushing out my woes, to what felt like a sea of strangers. They didn't know me, they couldn't see me. I couldn't see them, or any pity on their faces. It felt safe.
But lately I haven't felt like complaining and am wary of what I post because I never really know who's reading. It could be Gina* who lives down the street and whom I see every Sunday. We might not really be friends, she might just be a nosy blog stalker who likes to read her neighbors business and form her own assumptions.
But then again, my readers could be a very small number of very beloved friends...you know who you are...in places like San Diego and Fountain Valley and even here in my little Eastside town.
You know me. You know I'm dramatic. I feel. I love.
We recently went on a vacation to the Southland. My home away from home. I say vacation loosely because my poor husband had to work the whole time and we had no extra money for any commercial fun like Disneyland or Sea World.
My kids and I spent the time annoying my husbands parents. We swam in their pool when it was warm enough, but mostly we just tried to amuse ourselves and stay out of Grandpa's way.
About three days into the trip my husband and I received some hard business news which made us stress out for the rest of the trip.
The Wednesday after we got home something happened in my son's classroom that made me decide to pull him out for the rest of the school year. Thursday night my charming four year old broke his arm at the park we were at. His Dad is an EMT and got there shortly after the ambulance to ride with him to the hospital.
Here we are three weeks later and he still doesn't have a hard cast. His bones aren't healing like they should and we fear he may need an operation.
We are adjusting to home school life with my eldest. It's an adjustment...
And I have my first running injury which I self-diagnosed as a shoe problem and finally went and got fitted for some proper ones. The foot/ankle is healing slowly and I'm still trying to train in the midst of it.
I feel that I'm such a novice runner that I don't have time to lose. I even sucked up my pride and went running with some very experienced ladies. They left me in their dust, but I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed hearing them talk even though I couldn't hold a conversation.
Joanne has four children, her oldest is 10 or 11, her youngest is 22 months. She's been running for 6 years. She says she's finally beginning to like running.
Jody is an athlete. She has a 4 month old and 2 older children. She's extremely competitive, plays soccer, and is a certified personal trainer.
My friend Kati runs because she feels she has to. She loves junk food and has 3 boys, the youngest is just 1 year old.
I must admit I'm a romantic about many things and running is one of them. To imagine being able to run long enough and hard enough that I feel like I'm flying, that's what I'm working towards. I loved running when I was young, but when I became heavily involved in the dance world I was to afraid to ruin my knees or ankles.
I'm finally running 3 miles consistently...it feels good. Very good. And when no one else is on the trail with me I raise my arms and fly. Funny to you maybe. I sing out loud. I imagine that finish line and how good it feels to cross it. I picture myself running our town 10k, it's well known for it's crazy hills. The fear I have for those hills makes me run a little harder.
I run for many reasons, but none of them are because I HAVE TO. I just want to. It's fun. It makes me smile. And maybe that's what sets me a little apart from these ladies who right now can run circles around me.
What I'm struggling with is getting my body moving in the wee hours of the morning. I'm more of an evening mover but with the inconsistency of my husbands working hours I need to get it done before he leaves. This means in the hour of 6am.
I feel nauseous at 6am. It's too early for shaking the body. We'll see. I'm planning on getting up tomorrow but so far my body has rebelled.